A page from my diary...

 I'm gonna go ahead and write some pretty personal stuff now. I use this blog as a journal more than anything anyway. So to those of you who read it, you're reading my diary now. :]

I have had to make some pretty tough decisions lately. I know that parenting does that to you, and I know that I have no idea what "tough" means at this point, but they are meaningful either way. Growing up I always dreamed about having kids and how much fun that would be and how cool it would feel to have created something so special with the love of my life. I never really thought about the important stuff though, like what to feed him. Since I've joined the church I feel that the need to breast feed is almost overwhelming. It helps you stay self-sufficient and self-reliant. It allows you more opportunity to be spontaneous. And it provides a bond between mother and child that is indescribable. And sure, everyone tells you all of this during your pregnancy and even those first few days in the hospital they do all they can to ensure you're breastfeeding your child. But nobody ever tells you how hard it is. Or how painful it can be. Every book I've read about the topic says "breastfeeding shouldn't hurt." Bull. Think about it. That baby has better suction than any vacuum and he applies it to the most tender part of your body. My son can hold up a 9 ounce tall bottle just by his mouth. Then there's the whole thing about milk coming in. So during my pregnancy I tried to prepare myself for what I felt I needed to do. I know that breast is best and it would definitely be most helpful to not have to buy formula. Right after I gave birth to Ivan, I started nursing him. The nurses weren't as helpful as I'd hoped and I'm pretty shy about my body. Then one nurse came in, and instead of helping me do it myself, she decided I needed a special appliance to allow me to nurse my son. She gave me a shield and everything worked fine after that. . . For a couple days. I thought this shield was a temporary thing, just to help Ivan understand a little better that milk does come from there. Well, turns out he made it permanent. Every time I would try to nurse him, I would try without the shield and he would never latch, so I would have to pump and feed him from a bottle or use the shield after all. How dumb is that? I'm pretty upset by it. Using that thing hurts and makes it so much harder to feed him, especially in the middle of the night. I can't nurse in any other position than sitting up and he refuses to nurse without the shield. Then I had to go back to work. Not just because we're poor, but I seem to thrive on human interaction and being able to mentally and physically challenge myself. My job accomplishes all of those things, and if it means Michael has to watch Ivan by himself a couple hours out of the day and we have to have a baby sitter sometimes, then I'm ok with that. They are fully competent people and it keeps me sane. But pumping at work and storing the milk and all the extra frustration that goes along with that, not to mention the time I have to take out of work to go sit in the bathroom for 20 minutes. It's just a little ridiculous. So I needed to make a decision. Do I continue to be the only one getting up in the middle of the night with a hungry baby, do I pump at work, do I continue to use the shield and be incredibly uncomfortable, do I continue with the pain and frustration this is causing me, or should I just wean him now and feed him formula? To be honest I felt a little guilty that I would rather feed my son from a bottle than nurse him. I mean it's not like I'm not feeding him anymore, he's still going to get something to eat. And if babies can thrive on just formula from the beginning, what's the difference anyway? Plus, I was getting really really upset every time he made a single noise that sounded like he might be hungry. I was getting to the point where I was mad at him for being so hungry all the time. And I could never tell if he was getting enough to eat.

So I quit. I'm a quitter. I'm such a good quitter I could smoke a pack a day for 10 years and drop it like cold turkey over night. 

And you know what, I'm really happy with my decision. There are days when I wish I would have weaned him a little slower so I could still nurse him every now and then just to remind myself why I quit, but then I remember why I quit. He got 4 weeks of breast milk and I feel good about my decision to switch to formula. Going back to work did influence my decision making a little more, but only in the sense that it made it happen sooner. I would have stopped in January when we went back to school any way. I really can't believe how unhappy that made me. Sure, the baby blues might have gotten to me more then, but the physical discomfort it gave me is cause enough to stop.

Maybe I'll try harder on the next one, but I sure don't feel like a failure with this little guy. 

He's gaining an ounce a day without my milk. I do feel a little judged at church when women take their babies to the mothers room (which smells awful at out meeting house) and I pull out a bottle. But everyone has their way of doing things and I'm not going to let what other people do offend me or make me feel bad about myself. Breastfeeding works for some people and doesn't for others. That's why formula was invented. I'm just grateful I live in a day where I have the freedom and opportunity to choose. I love my family, I love my job and I love the gospel. And I'm grateful I've had the opportunity to choose all of those. I know that this particular issue is not the biggest decision I'll have to make, nor is it the biggest I have made, but it was hard for me.

Other hard decisions, like joining the church, continuing to attend church, where to live, who to marry, what to study, how long to go to school, when to replace our cars, what to eat for dinner. . . All those things take a little more effort than the every day decision of what to wear or when to get dressed. All the same, they need to be made. But there's also the decision of whether or not to be offended. I've found I have a few people in my life that I practically need to walk on eggshells around to not offend them. And if they read this and even thought that I partially meant them in any way, they would totally be offended. I love how simply people look at it. They did something mean, it hurt my feelings, now I don't want to talk to them. But how often do they realize that you are the ones that choose what you feel. Maybe you can't always control who you love, like children, you can't help but love them. But when it comes to getting your feelings hurt, you have the choice. This has been on my mind a lot lately. Should I tiptoe around other people's feelings all my life? Or is it their responsibility to man up and try to see things from someone else point of view? I've come to the conclusion that it's both. While I should be mindful that other people have feelings and that I can hurt them, other people should try not to get so easily offended. I know there was a point when I first joined the church that anything anyone said about being in primary got me upset. I didn't know about those things, I didn't have that opportunity growing up. Then there was a time when people thought it was just so cool I was a convert and everyone started any introduction of me with the fact that I am a convert. That ticked me off. Looking back, I see how dumb those things are, and am especially grateful for my circumstances. But knowing that I can get pretty upset about the dumbest, tiniest little thing helps me to realize maybe I just hit a soft spot on someone and I shouldn't let their reaction get to me. By my choice to not get offended I am able to take my emotions into my own hands and allow people some time to explain. Sometimes we say things that are a little too blunt or forward or even unexpected, instead of getting upset, get clarity. I know that learning this lesson now will help me out later with my kids. I can imagine they're going to say or do something super rude to me or someone I love and I'll just have to remind myself that I can choose to be offended or I can choose otherwise. It's up to me. I really just wish other people could that the decision is theirs. Until then, I'll just learn to deal.