I hate this place

It's official. I can't stand living here anymore. I had really hoped that my trip to my parents would set me free. That somehow it would lighten my burden or bring peace to my soul. Instead I had a rough time. Instead I placed more stress on myself. I can't count the number of contractions I have in a day. What I can count is the number of hours I sleep each night... on one hand. And all I feel all day is that my life is completely out of my control. I feel like I don't have a support group, that no one really knows how I feel. I read something the other day that said something like 'depression is like a noose around my neck. The harder I fight for my life, the tighter the noose gets.' That rings so true with me right now. It's unbearable. 

And so we watch TV all day. And when Michael gets home, I have to do something. Either we go to the park or to town or I disappear. I seriously count down the time that he has til he gets home. There have been a few times that I've taken refuge in the bathroom and just let the kids be away from me for a while. I don't know who that was for. I never felt better when I came out, usually because the kids were screaming and crying. I now know what that scripture reference of crying and wailing and gnashing of teeth (or whatever it is) means. 

To make all of this better, I get to go to my doctor's appointments with my kids. The only place that would take me on, since I'm so far along without previous medical care, is the health department. Not that I have anything against the health department, especially since I'm receiving free medical care, but I have absolutely no choice who I see. There are so many people that work there that I don't ever feel like I know anybody. And you know what? A woman's body is kind of a personal thing. And when it comes to having babies I need a doctor I know, someone I can trust, and someone I feel comfortable with. I like to compare it to when the baby was conceived. Who else was there for that intimate moment? Just me and Michael, shouldn't it be that way when we have the baby? While I realize that's a little overboard and I don't actually want to have a baby without a doctor there (even though that's already happened!), I'm just trying to convey how personal this whole baby business is. Too many places run obstetrics like a business and not enough like a care facility. And I had a truly amazing relationship with my previous doctor in Rexburg. She  was awesome. Great sense of humor, really made me feel comfortable talking to her, and I always saw her, just her. I was never seen by another doctor. I didn't rotate amongst the staff like a lazy susan. And I always saw the same nurse. The same receptionist checked me in every visit and the same billings lady checked me out every visit. Heck, I could walk through the entire medical center with my eyes closed and manage to check my weight, pee, and go to the exam room. This doctor also did an ultrasound at every visit. I got to see my baby every time I got to see my doctor. Now imagine how I could gain some love for this lady and not be willing to see anyone else. And here I am at the health department. I've got to wrangle my two littles while I try to keep my blood pressure down and whatnot.

This particular visit really sucked. I waited forever, even though I scheduled an appointment at 8 am which is when they open. This is why I schedule appointments in the morning. They shouldn't be behind if they just opened! After finally getting back to see the doctor, an hour later, she tried to give me another pap smear. The same doctor I saw a month ago tried to give me another pap smear. That would have made 3 within 15 months. Did you know they changed the guidelines and now they (doctors and whoever controls that stuff) say that one every 3 years is enough. I had a pap smear done at my checkup after Charlotte was born and if the health dept. had any kind of organization, they would have received the fax of my proof when it was done, thus exempting me from another one while in Florida. So the one I got a month ago shouldn't have happened and here she is saying I need another one. Crazy lady. Then she said she needed to do a breast exam. No thanks. She did a complete exam at my last visit, including that part. Then she got to my blood results. She told me all the things I already knew, since the nurse that just left the room took about 20 minutes explaining to me what a blood type means. I know I look young, but do you have to treat me like a child? After this the doctor told me about all the things that would be happening during this time in my pregnancy. Uh, thanks, but I've done this twice before, hence the two children impatiently waiting in the room with me. 

Then comes the talk. She checks the babies heart, which Ivan just loves, then she tells me I shouldn't have anymore kids. Not because it's medically necessary that I stop having babies, but because I've already got enough. She pushed and pushed about tubal ligation (getting your tubes tied). Then she said that it's not uncommon for women with as many kids as me to have a hysterectomy, just to be sure I didn't have anymore kids. Then she proceeded to trap me in the room, although she said our visit was over, so that she could tell me to tell any young girls that get pregnant that they can go to the health department and have an abortion at the first signs of pregnancy. What?! Pretty sure there are other options. 

So that was about the worst doctor's visit I've ever had. 

And today I've decided I should go back to Rexburg. Soon. When we find a place to live I will be going and Michael will be staying here until his internship is finished. I need my doctor back. I need familiar. I need friends. I need cool Idaho nights. I need my stuff, my clothes, the kids' toys, I need home.