Great Expectations

If you know me, you know that I get excited to go home to Tennessee. And if you know me really well, then you know how disappointed I am every time I do go home.

I get incredibly excited for my kids to see my parents. I'm unbelievably excited to be in my home town where everything is so familiar, even 5 years after moving away. I'm truthfully excited to see my family.

And then we visit and I realize how much Clarksville sucks. My parents house hasn't changed in years, which means absolutely no baby proofing. And that means the outside too. My dad is a skilled craftsmen and woodworker. He is also an excellent avoider of the cleaning up part. This time he did a pretty good job, compared to his usual. There weren't any nails on the carport, or sawdust, wood chips, tools, etc laying around. He had even cleaned the workshop and made it into a usable space which hadn't been a possibility in years. I'm really impressed at how well he cleaned the carport. There were still a few nail ridden boards laying around the yard though. That's no good for tiny toddlers. And that's just the outside. Inside my mom has a ton of nice, breakable, decorations. And all within reach of my midgets. Not to mention that Ivan can open doors, even if they're locked. He and Charlotte love it outside. My parents have about 10 acres that their house sits on. Tons of land out front, mostly pasture, and even more land in the back which is heavily forested. So if he escapes, there's no knowing where he's gone to.

See what I mean? This is me already halfway down the driveway and that blue dot out there is Ivan. Good thing Mina, my dad's German Shepherd, was with him. She's a really good dog. She would follow Ivan anywhere. 

As you know I've been seriously losing it lately. So my thought behind this trip is to clear my head, have a little more space for the kids to play, and have my mom and dad around to help me a little and keep me company during the day. I didn't really feel like that was expecting too much. I also have friends in the area that I was happy to be closer to for longer, that way I could see them without feeling like I'm just using my parents as a hotel. And this time I meant to stay for a couple weeks.

Well, I started out my drive differently than I wanted to. I was finally able to see a doctor (for the first time in this pregnancy) and I really wanted an ultrasound the same day. Silly me, I didn't realize they referred out for all their imaging. I called to see when I could be seen for that and it wasn't for weeks. So right after my appointment I headed north, at about 10 am. My original plan was to leave way early in the morning so we could spend some quality time with Chris and Laura, the ultimate pit stop. I really wanted to get there that day so we could see Michael's parents while they were in town. We got there in time for dinner and had a fun visit that evening.

The next day we stayed a little while in the morning, played at the park, and had lunch then set out for Tennessee. Somewhere between St. Cloud, Florida and Atlanta, Georgia I lost my credit card. Awesome. This and the drive along with some extra greasy Wendy's set me into a series of contractions. I didn't really understand what was happening for about an hour, then I had to stop and go walk around. That sucked pretty bad. The kids were happily napping and I couldn't possibly drive anymore. We stopped at the Tennessee welcome center, which was gorgeous, but we stayed for over an hour before I felt I could drive again. By then the kids were really wound up and were not going to sleep again. Not only that, but now I'm going to be driving in the dark. Yay this is going so well already.

She's so cute. This is at the beautiful rest area that we played at. 

By the time I got to my parents I was thoroughly exhausted. I was completely freaked out that I was having contractions at barely 22 weeks and I just wanted to go to bed. After being in the car all day, of course Ivan and Charlotte did not want to go to bed at the normal time. Super. Oddly enough, I thought if I had given enough notice to my parents that they would be ready for all that my visit brought with it. Which was one overwhelmed pregnant momma and two busy toddlers. Obviously I need to be more specific. My dad was still at work, and in his defense he tried his hardest to be home sooner and did still get home early. But my mom, oh dear, she was not ready for us. Did I ever tell you that she begged me to come visit again? I remember complaining to her one day about life in Florida and she said she would drive down and pick me and the kids up and take us home with her. I thought she was kidding! That sounded ridiculous. Well, she was serious and we continued to talk the idea over for several weeks. We had such a good visit in April and I was glad she wanted to see me again for so long and so soon. We talked about me driving up and getting Michael a rental car. Well we decided on me driving up, my mom paying for gas, and Michael hitchhiking while I was away. Keep all this in mind when I tell you the next part.

My mom got the kids a little water table to play with. And of course she wanted them to play with it right away but had started setting it up wrong since she was already tipsy... at 5:30. 

So much fun!

When I got to my parents house I got my kids ready for bed and put them in bed. Ivan wouldn't leave the light alone and Charlotte just cried and cried. I lost it. I gave Ivan a spanking, which I immediately felt sorry for. It wasn't a normal spanking and I cried with him and gave him hugs and kisses and told him I was sorry right away. That experience only made me feel more like crap. Not only was I a bad person, but now I'm a terrible mother. So I decided to leave the kids in the bedroom and go to the living room to cry in peace. I sat there bawling. Guess who sat across the room from me and did nothing? Guess who had too much to drink already (mind you it's 8 pm)? Within minutes of my arrival she passed out on the couch. In all of this talk about me coming to visit again, my mom, on her own free will, promised me that she would not drink while I was there.

Charlotte likes my dad so much. She would prefer him over me while he was around. 

And as wonderful as our visit was in April, there was one evening that was not good. We celebrated Easter early since it was the most family gathering we'd had in a long time. My older sister Heidi and her kids were there too. While making dinner, my mom nearly fell in the oven trying to get the ham out. My dad made her lay down and she was passed out in minutes, leaving me to finish dinner. That's just a snippet of that awesome night. But after that experience, I think my parents had a serious discussion. To know that we had driven 2000 miles to see them and my sister had drive nearly half as much and this was how my mom was going to act around us? Not to mention that this is how our kids will remember her. Just insane. But after this, she was willing to admit that her actions were wrong and that she wanted to do better. Her promise to not drink while I was there was the most honest she has been with what she does.

Thank goodness my dad came home early. He gave me hugs and made me feel justified in how I was feeling. And that's the end of day one of my retreat from insanity.

On one of our many walks to the creek down the road. Charlotte totally loves her Papa. 

From there I only felt bad about being there. I missed my husband. I felt totally abandoned. I was up at 6 every day with the kids. And I didn't sleep well because they didn't turn the a/c on. I got to hang out with some friends but it just wasn't what I was looking for. My mom offered to let me take a nap and she would watch the kids for me. Silly me, I took her up on that offer. I woke up suddenly and went to find everybody. My mom was asleep on the couch and my kids were nowhere to be found. Charlotte was in the bathroom, in the complete dark with a few fresh bruises on her head. Ivan was outside. Ivan was outside! I freaked out. Thankfully he was just feeding the chickens, which is fairly close to the house and easily visible from the door. But he could have gone to the creek down the road, which he asks to do constantly. He could have gotten into my parents 4 feet deep swimming pool. He could have gotten lost in the woods that stretch for a mile behind the house. I cannot say how many times I thanked my Father in Heaven that day that my little boy was safe and that I woke up before they were alone for too long.

Ivan wanted to help Papa and build something. So he found a rubber mallet and went and banged on a bunch of trees. 

So there's that. Then there was an evening that my dad and I were hanging out watching a movie. My mom walks in, plastered, and yells at my dad. She was mad at him because he was spending more time with me than with her. She chewed him out. On a different day, she told me that I was judgmental and overbearing. She said we had differences in parenting, that she wished I lived closer so she could show me how to handle my children. She also told me that she regretted me coming to visit. So I spent Father's Day with my dad, Ivan wanted to get Papa a special treat because he had taken Ivan on so many walks to the creek. And the next day we left.

One of the days we were in Tennessee, we managed to spend some time at one of my favorite places. We went for a walk at Dunbar Cave State Park. This is the mouth of the cave, which is actually barred up. But there are bats in the crevices! And there's a secret back entrance (shh!) that's super fun to spelunker. Can you see Ivan?

Charlotte practicing her modeling. I think she has a promising future, except for that pesky height thing. 

This was what the kids loved the most, splashing in a puddle. The trail that goes from the parking lot to the spot where this picture is taken winds around a pond. We saw about 8 turtles sunbathing on a log, Canada geese, fish jumping out of the water, and a ton of other little birds. It was really fun.