Pondering

I would like to say that my life is overwhelmingly busy and that every day is full of exciting activities that completely consume all of my time. However, most of my days are spent on facebook or pinterest or watching movies. When I'm not doing those things I'm thinking to myself how can this baby be so fussy?! Nuts, right? Recently I have become aware of just how thoughtless and selfish I can be. Not that I haven't always been that way, but I haven't been able to see it til now. I know that November is the month of gratitude and what not, but what I'm feeling right now surpasses any kind of thankfulness. I have been given so much I can't even name everything. I know that the most important things in my life aren't things, they are my family. I love my family, my parents and my siblings, my grandparents and my cousins, aunts and uncles, but I love the family that I created so much more than I ever imagined. I chose to be chosen by the most special man in the world. He knows and understands me like no one else ever will. He helps me when I need it, and even more when I think I don't. He makes me laugh, constantly. Seriously, that's the best ab workout ever. He and I were able to bring the most precious baby into this world and to call him our own. And we get to keep him! Sure he poops a lot, and it smells really bad, but I'd rather be changing his diaper than have to face this world without him. It's now that I can appreciate my parents and Michael's parents more than ever. And I even look at other moms who have more than one kid and sit in awe of how they do it. Ivan is my most favorite person. He is so sweet and beautiful and has so much potential. I am so in love with him. Every day I get to wake up and see his beautiful face and spend time with him. He is smiling so much right now and he started making all this cute little baby noises. His cries are starting to sound different so I can tell what means he's hurt and what means he's hungry. I know that not everyone out there believes in the same things that I do, but I know that what matters most to me is the opportunity to be on this earth, to be human, to love and be loved, to learn, and to return to where I came from. I know that God does not discriminate from one person to the next, but I do know that things are made easier with the knowledge of what is in store for us. I have struggled, obviously, with pregnancy and having children. I've always know that is what I want, of course it's what I want, I'm a woman right? And I do believe that there are certain nurturing characteristics that women are prone to have. But I never thought it would be so hard. I can remember being a teenager and looking at pregnant women with their cute bellies and thinking that there could be nothing more fulfilling, how can anyone complain about that? Now that I've gone through it, I'm back to that same mindset. During that experience was a whole different story. Sure the timing of Ivan's birth could have been a little different, like maybe after I finished school. But if I had the chance to change it I wouldn't, but mostly because I'm too afraid that would change him. Maybe you can't tell a lot about who a person is going to become when he is just a baby, maybe you can. And maybe it's all up to me and my husband to make all the difference. I don't ever want to hold Ivan back from a test or a trial just to make it easier for him. I want him to learn and to grow and to be filled with a greater love and knowledge than anything just here on earth. I want him to know he has a father in Heaven that is constantly watching over him. I want Ivan to want to make the difference in someone else's life. I'm sure this all sounds like a bunch of ramblings, but I felt the need to write it. I want to be able to look back at this when times get hard and I get discouraged and remember the hopefulness and incredible love that I felt for this tiny little person before he knew it was possible to be loved so much. I am so grateful to be a mom and to have to work at it. It's a hard job, but I was made for this.