Today has easily been the hardest day I have experienced this year.
There was nothing huge that happened that made it terrible.
In fact, there were plenty of fun things that had happened to make it a good day.
Maybe I just wanted to have a bad day so the rest of my days would seem happier. Who knows.
I just want to start by saying that I love my children.
I just finished reading
Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson, AKA Nie. Can I just tell you that she is a fantastic writer? I feel like I've known her for forever after reading her short book. I feel like I was there with her experiencing some of what she went through. I shared in her guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, pain, and utterly dark sadness.
For those of you who don't know, Stephanie and her husband were in a small plane crash back in 2008. Nie had burned 80% of her body with 2nd and 3rd degree burns. She was in a chemically induced coma for 3 months. She was in the hospital for months after that. She has had more surgeries, skin grafts, medications, doctors, and nurses than I can count. Now she is an able bodied, healthy person with a tremendous amount of hope, joy, love, and surety of faith that only comes from the most enduring trials. She has taught me that where you put your heart is where you will go. If that be in the second guesses of your appearance or the will to mother your children; the depression and pain of learning life all over again or the opportunity at a second chance to prove your worth; the choice is yours.
Nie adamantly states several times in her book and her blog and many other places her thoughts appear, that she distinctly remembers being given a choice. She could go back to her earthly body, endure the pain and trials and hardship of her coming recovery or she could leave her body behind and return to her Father in heaven. If she did choose to return to her body, she would have a full life, but it would be a hard road back to normal and she would have to share a message of hope to everyone she could. And that she has. I cannot express the deep love I feel for her (especially since I don't even know her) because of all that she has shared. Stephanie mentioned in her book that writing about her experience has been one of the most difficult things she's ever done. Can you imagine?! Not only did she actually live through
and remember a plane crash, her body on fire, the torment of debriding the skin from her body (to prevent infection), and the torture of learning how to walk
AND RUN again with new skin practically from head to toe, but she chose to relive all those things to give us one amazing, incredible, overwhelming, riveting retelling of her life.
Stephanie gives a beautiful opening of the book with her perfect family. She has the most incredible love story with Mr. Nielson. It seriously sounds like a fairy tale and if I ever meet them, I'm gonna ask just how real it is for them. ;]
This got me to thinking, I really love my family. I want nothing more that to be with them for time and all eternity. I shutter to think what seeing, hearing about, or thinking of a hospital means to Stephanie. To me, all a hospital has done in my life was bring me my two beautiful, perfect, innocent little angels. I cannot imagine my life without them. I admit that transitioning from being a professional provider for my family to a full time mom has been a bit humbling. Stephanie talks about her complete desire to be a mother and a wife. She says in the beginning that that's all she's ever wanted. She didn't want to go to college, to get a degree, to have a career, she only wanted to be a homemaker. I envy her complete dedication to the will of the Father. I know He would want every mother in the home because that's what our divine nature ensures we're best at. We, as women, mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, aunts, have THE most important job in the world. We are making people while the men are stuck at work making computers or fixing toilets or chasing bad guys. You think that's important? Pish posh. People are important. And the people in my family are most important to me.
I think about the way I looked at life just 4 short years ago. January 24, 2010 I was working at Little Country Schoolhouse (LCSH), a daycare - a fancy one at that - in my hometown in Tennessee. Michael and I were engaged to be married and I had been accepted into the nursing program of the second ranked school in the state, only I was taking that semester off so I could focus on the wedding. I wanted so badly to be a nurse. I thought for sure that 3 generations would mean so much more. While I was eager to be married, I was not eager for a family right away. And by right away I think I meant years and years down the road. Other things are far more important that kids and should be taken care of first. There is a strict schedule to follow that is the correct way to raise a family. And if you ever want to have kids, you should have the following things done first or you're setting them up for failure.
college degree
work for a few years to save money
work a few more years cuz you need more money than you think
buy a house
have a couple years to be newlyweds
have all the blessings of your parents to start having kids
and the list goes on...
We didn't check off a single thing on that list. And well, you guessed it, a little miracle slipped into our lives just 6 months into marriage. I was surprisingly excited and incredibly nervous. We told a few friends in Idaho, where we were living, and made grand plans to tell my family when we visited for Thanksgiving. We made the long drive from ID to TN and before I could tell my parents, I had a miscarriage. This did 2 things to me. First, it broke my heart. I didn't think I could grow so attached to something that didn't even feel real. I was only 10 weeks along, I hadn't been to the doctor to hear the heartbeat, I certainly hadn't felt a baby move, the only real difference was that I didn't have my monthly visitor. Thinking about it now still makes me sad. And boy that made for the worst Christmas I can remember, especially remembering that Michael's brother and sister-in-law were pregnant at that time. They would be having the baby I dreamed I would have and that was my first Christmas away from home. The second was that it made me determined to conceive again. I had had a taste of motherhood and I wanted more. While I was still hesitant of what the future may hold for me, I knew I wanted to be a mom. Needless to say, Michael and I had plenty of practice to get our little boy here. Ever since Ivan was born I have always had this feeling that he was meant to be a little brother. He has had plenty of friends, all of them bigger than him, beat up on him, take his toys away, throw stuff at him and he would just turn the other cheek, as if he was used to it. Like he had taken some training on how to look the other way. What an example he is to me!
Even after Ivan was born and I had my sweet baby that I dreamed of, I felt something missing in my life. I wished things had gone differently with his birth. I wish I had been more forgiving of nighttime feedings. I wish I could truly give myself to my son the way Mary did for Christ. I wanted, I needed more out of the shell of a person I had become. I yearned to make myself right again. And I am just now realizing the pain I created by dreading pregnancy, by wishing things had been different. I need to live in the now. Stephanie has taught me that. She has wanted all her life to be a mom. What a simple, yet astounding gift! If only all of us had been born with the innate desire to do the one thing in our life that we needed to do most. I haven't always wanted to be a mom. I have been selfish, sinister, and cruel in my days of youth. I have criticized many a young mother and I only now feel the pain I have caused them. I am glad to say that I do want to be a mom. Ivan helped me want that. His sibling before him helped me see what I needed in my life, whether I was ready for it or not, I still needed it. But wanting and needing are terribly different, aren't they?
Charlotte, boy Charlotte. She is a miracle. Her pregnancy was easy. Her delivery, goodness, just thinking about it makes me want 10 more kids! I cannot believe the power, the awe, the pure joy of the moment she entered this world. I worked so hard with relaxing and enjoying my contractions that they actually didn't hurt until I got to the hospital. I labored for 2 hours at home, taking turns laying on my side on the floor where I was standing when a contraction came, or on my bed, or the couch, but mostly the floor. I remember thinking how much I loved that floor. How firm, yet forgiving it had become under the weight of my huge belly. The toys littered around the living room by the big brother ready to welcome a baby sister he would cherish forever. The random lonely sock under the bed that could only have gotten there by some mystical creature small enough to fit in the 2 inches under the heavy mattress that would support my wonderful husband - the father of my children, myself, and my new sweet baby. I remember all these beautiful things about a perfect time in my life when the world has stopped spinning and time stood still. I am in complete awe at the human mind. How can I remember those key details yet forget where I've been only minutes after being there? In the hospital, Charlotte changed my life forever. I have never felt closer to God than in the moments that passed as I brought my second child into the world. I couldn't take my eyes of the beautiful pink child that would one day have the joy of becoming a mother herself. I think that's what has changed me most. Charlotte is going to be a mom someday. She needs a perfect role model if she'll ever be able to endure all that is being a mother. The first time I held this sweet girl was like heaven on earth. She was perfect. She is perfect. Every innocent smile. Every rolled eye. Every dark, long eyelash. Every chubby leg roll. Every. single. dimple. That single experience of childbirth has opened my eyes to the miracles around. It has exposed my tender heart to the quiet whispers of the Holy Spirit that I had so easily overlooked. I relive this experience over and over in my head. When my days are long, when my spirit is low, when my children are trying, I remember how badly I wanted another child when Charlotte came. I remember the excitement of learning I was pregnant and bursting with so much joy that I just had to share it, thank you Prego pasta sauce. I remember a big belly with a baby brewing, feeling her kick and punch with all her might. I remember using that big belly to hold Ivan up when I carried him around the house. I remember not being able to zip up my winter coat. I remember walking, running, climbing stairs, doing anything I could to have an early labor so I could meet my precious girl. Did I mention I also cried when I found out we were having a girl and not another boy? I was terrified. I felt guilty, sad, ashamed that I was sad, and felt I had been tricked. I thought if I had 2 kids close together I would definitely have 2 boys so they could play together and be best friends forever. Nope. That was not in the plans. I learned a lot about what to expect with a girl. Not all girls are mean and hateful, at least they don't start out that way. My fears of having a daughter soon subsided and I was able to be joyful again with the prospect of a more experienced delivery. I relished the idea of being in control of my labor. I remember my water breaking while I stood in my kitchen, against the counter while I looked at my computer, and thinking "what the heck, how did I just pee my pants?!" Ha! It wasn't a burst or a gush, just a steady leak all day. Then I broke the rules and took a bath. It was so relaxing. I realized that in that moment, everything was perfect. Ivan was fast asleep in only the beginning of his 3 hour nap. I hadn't started my contractions yet, though I had been feeling some almost every day the week before. It was a Monday, the beginning of the week, a fresh start. I listened to my body more intently than I ever had before. I waited to know what to do, where to sit, whether to walk or stand. All these memories, ah, I could just eat it up! I love thinking about this time in my life.
I brought my baby home less than 24 hours after giving birth to her. I felt amazing. I had stamina, energy, happiness, and love that I hadn't felt before. I had a new found hope for my life and the changes that a second child brought. Days passed and my feelings didn't change. I was empowered by delivering without an epidural and my body felt so capable. So able to complete any task set before me. I was officially promoted to super mom. da Da DA!
Then I got restless.
I knew that I would want to return to work. I was working with BYU-I in the animal science department. Specifically, I was with the animal anatomy and physiology classes. I absolutely love teaching. Words cannot express the joy that sharing my knowledge has brought me. Leaving my children at home and going out into the world, college degree in hand, made me feel so important. I was working with over 60 students that semester and I loved it. I grew close to so many of them and worked so hard to help them learn everything they would need to succeed. Teaching brought me a joy that my children weren't. And I think that's because I wasn't looking for it. I felt the need to be praised by adults, to have grown up conversations with multiple people every day. I decided to go back to work when Charlotte was only 5 weeks old. I made Michael quit his job to focus on school and I did the providing. It sucked. I loved the feeling I got while I was teaching. I hated driving back and forth from school all day long. I hated leaving my children with so many different people so often. I felt guilty for leaving them. When the next semester started, I had committed to my family that I would work while Michael was still in school. It made the most sense. So I hired a nanny for the semester and stopped the driving back and forth. That made it easier. Then before I knew it, Ivan was potty trained. Soon after that he had given up his pacifier. Where had I been for these big milestones in my son's short life? I sure didn't teach him to nap without his passigor, as he calls it. I began to resent my wonderful nanny for my children behaving better for her than me. I wished Ivan would be as excited to see me when I got home as he was for the nanny to get there every morning. These feelings weighed heavy on my heart. I felt I was carrying a burden I could not relieve. I made Michael quit. I took the responsibility to work. I decided to go back so soon after Charlotte was born. Soon it was time for Charlotte to start crawling and I felt I had missed her whole life. I knew if she crawled in front of the nanny before me that I would be devastated. She didn't, and I thanked God for that.
Then came the news about the changes in employment. With the upcoming change in healthcare... thanks Mr. President... the university changed their views on employment. Now temporary hires, which was me, could only work for up to 6 months after their graduation date if they were not a 1 year hire (since a 1 year hire is still considered a contract of 1 year). This meant that I had long overstayed my welcome and I would only be able to work until the end of the semester. There go our plans of being debt free when we left Rexburg. I was incredibly bitter. I was helping with 8 labs that semester. 8. EIGHT. I was working 40 hours a week and had a hard time keeping it under 40 hours. I loved my work. I meticulously made challenging assignments, I perfected study guides, I held countless study groups, open labs, tutoring sessions. I worked my butt off, literally, I lost a ton of weight. And I felt so cheated. Jipped. This was the ultimate screw over of all time. Now my family of 4 had no income, no job in a town with no jobs to offer. First I was in denial. It couldn't be true, I was essential to this program. Then I realize the vet tech program only had 2 labs the next semester. That's a lot less than 5, remember the others were for anat and phys. I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be able to work with the wonderful teachers that made me smile every day. I sunk into my own pity.
Then a bright new thought entered my mind. What if this was my chance to stay at home with my kids? How could I possibly feel so guilty for leaving them and feel just as bad for losing my job? I had to chose which one to mourn over and which one to be responsible for. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that the mother is "primarily responsible for the nurture of [her] children." Whoa. Responsible. I had never seen my role as a mother that way before. All the thoughts and feelings of Charlotte's birth and first weeks of life flooded my memory. How had I pushed out all those wonderful things so I could pursue such a naive goal? I decided then and there I would live up to the job I was supposed to do. It was my responsibility to nurture these sweet souls on loan to me. I needed to prove I was worthy of their care. I needed to be the one they turned to, the one they relied on.
I have grown so much in these past few weeks. And today it all came together. God is grooming me to be the best person I can be. I need to let him make the fires hot so I can be more easily molded. I need to let go of my fears, my pride and let the Lord in instead. I feel so rejuvenated in Stephanie's book. Her outlook on motherhood is so dang inspiring I can't contain it. I want to want to be a mother like she does. I want to be the mother my children remember, and I want those memories to be good!
As today has tried my patience, and the day has won, I think about all the smiles my family has shared in the midst of hard times. There is nothing like that full belly laugh of my grown up little toddler who just asks to be tickled to death. Charlotte's shy smile will never get old. Her timid laugh when her brother "bonks her noggin" is just the right thing to melt my heart. My little angels have no idea the affect they have on me. I feel like the green old witch who gives the apple to Snow White when I get angry. I know my anger has gotten the better of me more than a couple times in my life. And all it takes is that crooked grin, a flash of a dimple, the tiny toes, or the not so soft nuzzle with good intentions to melt my heart. I love being a mother. This is the most important thing I will ever do with my life. I simple cannot express the joy I feel to know I have begun a family of my own that will be mine forever, no matter when we part this earth.
Stephanie Nielson, thank you. You are beautiful. Your soul is the most perfect example of a mother and I only hope I can always have you in the back of my mind to show me how to be kinder, gentler, and more loving. I will cherish your example every day of my life. I am so grateful to know of a love story greater than the movies, one that transcends heaven and earth and allows a bridge between the two, creating heaven on earth for you and your family. I feel as if I've known you forever and I hope I always remember that feeling. That all it takes is a testimony to bring love into someones life.
PS. Sorry this post was so long. This is my heart and I couldn't contain it any longer. To my children, I love you. I love Heavenly Father. I love your father. Michael is my favorite person in the world and I see so much of him in you. I'm so glad you're here with me.
